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Talking to Santosh is a pleasure, not just because she is a smart career woman who
has managed her business well, not because she is a talented homemaker or a dedicated
mother who feels that the only purpose of her life has been to provide a platform
of growth and opportunities for her children; Santosh, delights you with her straightforward
observations and honest opinions (sometimes even blunt!) and that is what strikes
you as remarkable!
indiayogi felt that it would be nice to know about the background of the person
who would be sharing the pages from her spiritual journey with us in the coming
months. We approached her with a bunch of questions and had her regale us with genuine,
straight-from-the-heart answers!
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Interview Conducted by Shally Khedkar
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Hi Santosh! How would you describe yourself and your life so far?
What are your memories of your childhood?
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My life so far has been pretty normal. It has followed a natural course of events,
in the sense that, I have gone through all the ups and downs any life would go through.
I remember how once in college we were asked by our teacher to write an essay. We
were given a choice and I chose the quotation: "Stand aside and watch yourself go
by, think of your self as He instead of I." Ever since, I feel I have lived life
as an observer. With the result, my joys and sorrows were not in any way better
or worse than those of the others were! In no way did I feel that it was only my
lot to be suffering or to be happy! I acknowledged the sorrows, the heart aches,
reveled in all the emotions of pain and ecstasy. In other words, I always enjoyed
each emotion and moved on!
Have you ever experienced the cleansing of a good solid spell of heart-rending sobs?
Try it! I have never been ashamed of myself, I laugh when I want to, I cry when
I want to. I have never bothered about what others will think or say! I am stickler
for time. I will not let a friend down.
I am a very open person: there are no hidden agendas in my life! I say what I want
to say, do what I want to do! The other day my daughter overheard me telling someone
that 'I am an honest person'. She chided me for using such a hackneyed phrase. "But
that is the truth, Shibani," I told her " Why shouldn't I say that I am an honest
person, when I know I am!"
My mother tells me that I was a particularly dark child, no one in the family had
been that dark! To add to that I developed a boil on my ankle, which nearly led
to an amputation of the right foot! The prospects seemed to be very dark for this
little girl who was not only dark (a bane in an average Indian household) but was
also on the verge of becoming lame!
I was not a lonely child but a "detached" child. There are not very many early memories.
My memories start when I reached the age of 9 or 10, when my parents relocated to
Mussoorie after the partition of the country. Maybe I block the earlier memories
because maybe I felt neglected or rejected because of my color and threatened handicap!
What I remember from my childhood is that I never had a "Want." I don't recall wanting
toys, dolls or asking for new clothes. All along I have just lived and whatever
was required for my growth, mental, physical or spiritual, it was all provided for
me. I did what all the children my age do. I did not particularly enjoy studying,
but still it was fun. I enjoyed playing the role of Jesus in a school play, when
I was in the tenth standard. That role made me feel great, especially the way I
had to walk. That stayed with me!
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Have you always been spiritually inclined? Do you remember any
incident, which propelled you towards the spiritual path or has spirituality has
always been an integral part of your nature?
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People in saffron clothes were a familiar sight at our bungalow. Since we lived
on the foothills of the Himalayas, holy men going up and down would visit us and
we would engage in a conversation with them. My parents had a family guru who, with
his entourage, would spend six to seven weeks in a year with us. You could say that
spirituality has always been an integral part of my nature.
Now I realize that I must have been different in some way, because when I was going
through intense spiritual experiences from August 1995, all that my siblings could
say was "We always thought you were weird!"
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What exactly is the Course of "Mental Physics"? Why did you decide
to do it?
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As I understand the course of Mental Physics, it is a course in self-development
and deconditioning the conditioned mind. For me, however, it opened another
dimension, which could also be termed as self-development but definitely a development
of another kind! It brought forth for me a knowledge that otherwise I would not
have understood, no matter how much I would have read about it.
I was lead to the course. I was made to attend it. I was not given a choice! My
friend, Usha Banerji informed me regarding the course. She felt that, I would enjoy
it as it dealt with 'the mind'. I told her that after spending the day in the office,
I had no inclination or desire to attend any class. The very thought was boring.
She would not give up and threatened to keep waiting at the gate till I accompanied
her!
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Can you briefly describe your journey through this Course? How
did you feel when you started intuiting these magnificent visuals?
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When I began my exercises, at first I didn't realize that anything strange was happening.
I was just enjoying myself, therefore, I think the beginning of my awakening went
unrecorded.
I started recording my visuals when I questioned myself, 'How am I seeing above
my head, below, back and front simultaneously?' Not only that, I could see into
my body and visualize in a multitude of colors! I could see Prana, which is colorless,
I could see vibrations, I could sense when I shifted from one vibratory level to
another. In time I realized that the Breathing Exercises were working on the density
of my body, and when I was done with one vibratory level, I automatically shifted
to the next.
The surprising part was that much against my nature, I was persisting with the course.
Normally I would have lost interest after a couple of months. Sometimes the question
would arise, 'Why am I doing this, what is the purpose?' I didn't know that it was
a spiritual awakening that was happening. I didn't realize that I was being given
what I was asking for in the affirmations. I was given the gift to actualize my
thoughts and words. What I was affirming, I was manifesting. This has made me realize
the power of the word. What comes to my mind is when my grand mother would tell
my father, "never say, 'I have no money, never say business is bad.' I understood
better the power of positive thinking!
I became used to the daily affair with the SOURCE; I brought to Guruji's notice,
what I was experiencing. His advice was not to get too involved with the process.
It was no big deal. His under playing the whole process and the experience, helped
me be objective and play the role of a channel for the Masters (who seemed to be
some kind of spiritual guides) with a total dispassionate attitude. The Masters
were extremely caring and at no time my slightest discomfort was ignored. If I were
not ready for a particular process, they would wait till I would give the go ahead.
Initially I would only sense the Masters, later when the cleansing and repairing
of the body was done; they would be sitting with me for meditation in the early
hours of the morning. Much later, I would see them, dressed in white, reading to
me from books or wanting me to take interest in some charts. According to my inherent
nature, I would be inattentive with the result sometimes they would lose patience
and it would be Guruji who would take on the role. I was not under any one particular
guide, at least, I don't think so. I never had the urge to see their faces. The
whole process was just a happening!
At no point of time was I biased in my visuals and did not look for any specific
visual experience mainly because I did not know that anything like this existed!
Had I known in advance the strict regime that I would have to adhere to, I doubt
I would have got into it. But once into it, life was fun, there was a thrill hitherto
not experienced, there was adventure and curiosity to know what was next. The whole
experience was a challenge, reminding me of the old fairy tales with all the horrors
thrown in!
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The first response of a normal person experiencing a metaphysical
phenomenon is to give it up, and retreat! Did you ever feel that what was happening
to you was out-of-the-ordinary and that you should quit? Were you ever scared?
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For me the biggest joy throughout my spiritual journey has been to travel to the
unknown! The course did not entail any rigorous routine or any punishment for me
- every meditation, affirmation or visualization had its own enjoyment. Perhaps
I took the phrase mental physics is all about "deconditioning of the conditioned
mind" seriously and allowed the deconditioning to happen fearlessly!
Now that you mention fear, I recall how earlier in my childhood in Mussorie, I sometimes
used to observe these roadside sadhus making weird expressions. They probably used
to be in trance and were going through an awakening process. Even that time I was
more fascinated than frightened by all that I saw!
There was one time during my meditation when I really felt challenged- this was
the time when I wanted to move out of the body and was unsure what to do about it.
When I explained my predicament to Guruji, he asked me, "What do you think will
happen if you move out of your body? You will die? So what?" I did not know what
to say!
Another instance, where you can say I was a little frightened was when I visualized
a group of elephants charging towards me during one of the exercises. I was a little
scared and asked them to stop, which they did! I regret that I did not allow them
to come closer and missed that experience (whatever it would have been) because
I never saw them again!
continue>>
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